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Secrets Chapter 3 Lynn had a sister. She ran in the store one day, when Lynn was working in her office, and screamed. No words, just a scream. I was more than a little startled. “Oh,” she said when she saw me. “Where’s Lynn?” I pointed, but Lynn was already coming through the door. To see what the screaming was about, I suppose. She screamed Lynn’s name, threw her arms around her sister’s neck. “I’m getting married!!!” Lynn laughed. Her sister screamed again, and danced all around her, a sort of a noisy jig. When Bud walked in, I expected the noise level to decrease, and it did, but only for a minute or so. “What’s going on?” he said. Lynn’s sister turned toward him, and glowed in his direction. He smiled. “Well? You gonna let me in on it?” She ran at him and threw her arms around his neck like she’d done her sister. “I’m getting married,” she said in a normal tone of voice. I watched his arm sneak around her waist. I glanced at Lynn to see if she noticed. She didn’t seem to care. “Good for you, Patty,” he said. “He’s OK. ”“I know,” she said and grinned. And she screamed again, and danced away from him. I watched him at the cemetery. I thought it was odd that Lynn left the baby with him; and it worried me. He was supposed to be watching her, but it didn’t look like he was doing a very good job of that to me. She ran all over the cemetery, in and out between people’s legs, over the graves, just about anywhere she wanted. And then after the service was done, he picked her up, and she screamed. It was all I could do not to run up and snatch her away from him. As it was, I held my breath, afraid. But nothing happened. He walked with her to the car. When I went past on my way to my own car, she was quiet. He’d given her a cookie. “You’re spoiling her,” Lynn said. He smiled. It was almost a chuckle, not quite. “Yeah,” he said. It didn’t hit me till later. It wasn’t till after I’d gotten ready for bed, changed into my nightgown and slid under the covers with a magazine I didn’t open, that the tears rolled down my face. I’d forgotten for a while who I was watching. I’d been expecting my Daddy, every moment, I’d been expecting him to appear, to do what Daddy always did…..I don’t know how I could have forgotten, even for a little while…….of course my brother knew how to take care of a little girl…….. I intended to tell him the very next day. I meant to…..but I hadn’t slept well, and I woke up late, and so I had to rush to get to work, and when I got there, we had a new shipment to unpack…..and then I thought…..maybe it would be better to wait a little. He’d just buried his friend yesterday; there was no way to tell how he might react to “Hi, I’m your sister.” Better to wait till things were back to normal. And I didn’t really know that much about him yet, even though I’d been in town a month. I hadn’t gotten to ask enough questions. I hadn’t gotten to spend much time in his company. That’s what I told myself, and that might have been part of the reason I hesitated for so many weeks after everything quieted down……but I think I just wasn’t ready to give up my secrets…… I didn’t mean to eavesdrop. I came back to the shop to get my sweater, it was after hours, it never occurred to me someone might be there……and then I heard them, murmuring to each other in one of the rooms in the back……I couldn’t tell what they were saying, I imagined they were speaking in each other’s ears, softly, between kisses. I should have made more noise, or I should have backed up and left as quietly as I came in, or anything else but what I did…… My excuse is pretty thin, I know. Yes, I was surprised, but surprise wouldn’t have lasted so long. I could see them through the partly closed door, saw their lips meet…..saw his hand on her face, gentle….and I couldn’t look away. I’m ashamed to admit it, but fascination elbowed out my good sense and courtesy. My sanity. It wasn’t what I might have expected to see at all…..really, so different…..The way he touched her…..easy tenderness. Something he said made her laugh, and then he laughed, too……and then they stopped talking, the only sounds they made were the wet sounds of lips and tongues, and the rustle of clothing as they twined themselves together. I backed away and shut my eyes, horrified at just how much I wanted to keep watching. I couldn’t stop the sounds as easily……I could hear them panting, whispering to each other, and then Lynn made a noise……. I took off my shoes, ran to the door, opened and slammed it, put my shoes back on, and walked to the counter, letting my shoes click against the wood floor. The sudden silence from the back of the store was interrupted with a small crash, and a masculine “Dammit.” Lynn’s voice, low---I couldn’t tell what she was saying---and then she giggled. “Yeah, go ahead and laugh,” he said. A thump….“Ouch.” Lynn giggled some more. “Did you tie these in knots or what?” “Let me------” and then more silence. Really loud silence. “Is there somebody here?” I called, possibly louder than I needed to. “It’s just us,” Lynn called back. “Did we scare you?” “Yes,” I said. “Did I scare you?” Neither of them suspected a thing. Another secret to keep me awake at night. Although I couldn’t sleep that night for another reason. And I felt like a pervert and a criminal for days. I’m good at keeping secrets. Spent a lot of time keeping secrets when we were kids. Secrets from other kids, about Daddy and Mama and other things……..Secrets from Daddy all the time, ‘cause it just wasn’t safe to let him know everything…..Secrets from Mama, ‘cause Wendell said she had enough to worry about. Even a secret or two from Wendell. Everybody has a secret in their past, don’t they? At least one, maybe more. Something he or she will never, never tell another soul………If I had the chance to find out, would I want to know what Wendell’s is? Could I tell him mine in return? When I was a very little girl, bad dreams would send me to climb into bed with Mama and Daddy. I remember the first time Mama refused to let me in with them. I was heartbroken; felt completely abandoned to the terrors of the darkness. I don’t suppose she tried to explain it to me. If she did, I don’t remember it. She said, ”You’re getting to be too big for that,” and that’s all I remember. Except for the voice that whispered my name as I tried, stumbling and whimpering, to find my way back to my bed in the dark. “Norma,” Wendell whispered, and then his hand was on my arm. “Shh, don’t cry. You can get in with me.” I threw my arms around his skinny boy-chest and held on. I snuggled up close after we were under the thin blanket, my nose against his pajamas. Went to sleep with his arm around my back. I knew he wouldn’t let anything happen to me. He always told me I had to go back to my bed before anybody got up, and I always did. Except once. Once, Daddy’s voice woke me up, still under the covers with Wendell. I heard Daddy say, “I’m asking you a question, boy. I want an answer, and I want it right now.” “Nothing.” I started to move, but under the blanket, Wendell’s hand squeezed my arm, and so I stayed still, like I was still asleep. Daddy lit a cigarette. My eyes were shut, but I knew the scratch of the match against the bottom of his shoe, and his stagger, the scuff of his heel against the floor before he got his foot down again. I heard him exhale the first drag. “Leonard,” Mama said, “I don’t think---“ “You shut up,” he said. He was drunk. He always told Mama to shut up when he was drunk. “You don’t know nothing about it. But Wendell and I do, don’t we?” Wendell was really still. I didn’t know what was Daddy was talking about, the conversation had begun while I was still asleep…..Wendell was so quiet, so tense….like a piano wire stretched as far as it would go…..waiting for the hammer to strike it…… “How old’re you now, boy?” “Eleven.” “Eleven. Pretty goddam big for eleven, ain’t ya?” Wendell didn’t say anything. “I s’pose eleven’s old enough. Ain’t it? Is eleven old enough, boy?” Wendell’s hand was still around my arm. He was still squeezing…..if he didn’t stop, I was gonna have to do something, it was beginning to hurt. He took a breath like he was going to say something. Daddy laughed. He shuffled real close to the bed, put his knee on it, the bed dipped……”You be careful,” he said, real quiet. “I’m warning you. You understand? Or we’ll find out if eleven’s old enough for anything.” “Leonard, I made some a’ this meat for supper that you like,” Mama said. She talked fast when she was nervous. “Why don’t you come on out here and I’ll warm you up some. I put apple slices on it this time; and there’s some potatoes left, too. I’ll….I’ll get you some bread and butter. You want anything else?” “Shut up,” he growled, but he stood up. “Don’t you forget,” he said. “I won’t,” Wendell said. “Yeah, shit.” He went into the kitchen; the chair creaked when he sat down. “What the hell didja put fruit on that piece a’ meat for, woman? Do ya have ta ruin every goddam thing ya make?” Wendell took a deep breath and let it out. “Let go,” I said. “That hurts.” “Shh.” He let go, though. I whispered. “What did Daddy want?” He shook his head. “I dunno.” “But you told Daddy you understood.” “Yeah.” He patted my shoulder. “Go back to sleep.” “I don’t wanna.” “Then you have ta’ go back to your own bed.” I couldn’t help heaving a sigh. When you’re the youngest one in the house, you never get your own way. “Ok……” Three days later, Mama and I were on a bus. Patty was very friendly. She worked at the shop from time to time, and she told me stories about Bud. All I had to do was ask one question, and she could talk for an hour. I couldn’t connect the stories she told me with what I knew of my brother Wendell. Just didn’t seem to make sense. I discovered I didn’t want to hear about his broken leg. I didn’t want to hear about his gunshot wounds. I didn’t want to know anything about anything he had to go to the hospital for. I’d seen him lying in a hospital bed once, here in Bisbee, and that was enough for me. I didn’t even want to know about the rest. I preferred to hear about other kinds of things. Not history, but maybe geography. “Does Bud have family here in Bisbee?” Casually. As if I didn’t really care about the answer. “Well…..” Patty wrinkled up her nose. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard too much about Bud’s family. I think I heard him say something once about foster parents, so maybe he was adopted.” Foster parents. I didn’t want to know that after all. Charles, Wendell’s son, was a safer subject. He was a lovely little boy, looked a great deal like Wendell. I mentioned once to Patty that he didn’t seem to have a lot of Lynn in his face. “Oh.” She looked uncomfortable. “Well…..I don’t suppose it’ll make any difference if I tell you….it’s not like it’s a secret…..everybody else in town knows…….Charles isn’t Lynn’s. Just don’t tell Lynn I’m the one who told you.” “Sure,” I said. “I can keep my mouth shut. Where’s Charles’ mother?” She frowned. “Well……she’s dead.” And so I got to hear the story about the gangsters that put out a contract on the woman, and how Bud didn’t even know about Charles before that, and how the woman brought Charles here to Bud to keep him safe. And then they followed her here and killed her. “In Bisbee?? You must be kidding.” She nodded. “Sure. We’ve had gangsters here before. You saw the ones that were at the hospital. I’m not sure why they were here…..nobody tells me anything. But there were some people from New York here looking for Roberta once, too.” I knew who Roberta was……gangsters looking for the owner of Bisbee’s most notorious restaurant seemed somewhat unlikely. “It’s true,” Patty said. “I’m not making it up.” “I believe you,” I said. “Never a dull minute since Bud got here…..Did I tell you about that crazy woman with the gun? She pointed it at us, and Bud stood right in front of me to protect me, it was so brave…..” Death and destruction, blood and mayhem……..I wasn’t sure I had the constitution to deal with that on a regular basis…… And it wasn’t fair. My life had been so easy. Protected, taken care of; loved, even, I suppose. I had heard only what Patty could tell me of Wendell’s life other than what I found in the police records, and already I wondered how I would ever make it up to him. How could I make amends for the pain he endured alone, for not being there to suffer with him? Maybe I’ll never be able to do it, maybe I shouldn’t try. Maybe it would only bring us both grief. Maybe I should go back to Haverly, and Mark, and stay there…….no matter that it wasn’t my home and never would be……. not take the chance of stirring up bad memories……let him live the life he’d made for himself…… . . . . “Hey,” he said. “Are you OK?” I looked around. I was alone in the shop, except for Wendell. A big brutal man, who moved like Daddy; who, I suspected, could rage like Daddy, too…..but a gentle father and husband nonetheless. I knew who he was. And it wasn’t Patty’s stories that let me see him, I was looking too hard when I listened to her. In the end it was simply his face, open and honest like Daddy’s never was, that told me the boy and the man weren’t so far apart. You could see all of him in his face; and not only by the truth in his eyes; I imagined the scars there reflected the inner wounds. Damaged, but healed? “You looked like you were a million miles away,” he said. I smiled. “Yes.” “Is Lynn here?” I shook my head, and then hoped I was telling the truth. “I’m looking for her…..” he smiled back at me. “Tomorrow’s our anniversary, and I wanna surprise her tonight. So she won’t think somebody else reminded me tomorrow. You know?” I nodded. “She tell you where she was going?” I shook my head. He frowned. “I just can’t get it outta my mind……are you sure we haven’t met somewhere before? You look…..like somebody I oughta know.” My heart began to pound. He stepped closer. I fought the urge to back up. “Don’t,” I said. I didn’t mean to say that, it just came out. I had to swallow hard, I was breathing hard…..if he came any closer, I might run. “Don’t what?” he said, and took another step. “Wendell. I’m not ready yet. I can’t do it.” My eyes filled up with tears. He was scarred, yes; damaged, yes, maybe…..but maybe he wasn’t the only one…….. He didn’t ask me what I meant. He just stared, his forehead creased, his mouth turned down like something was hurting him. He came around the counter. His head tilted, he stared at me….I backed up, but not fast enough, he reached out, pushed my hair behind my ear. “There’s too many years, too many secrets,” I said. “I just can’t.” The tears rolled down my cheeks. He touched the freckle just in front of my ear, looked into my eyes, took a big breath. “I shouldn’t have come here,” I said. He said something I won’t repeat to you…….his big hands around my face…….and then I was crushed against his shirt, hearing my name rumble from inside his sturdy adult chest. And I found I could do it after all. My big brother helped me. This was what I’d missed, all those years. This, inside my brother’s arms. I’d been safe, but still afraid…….always prepared for the slap after the kiss..…always alone, keeping so many secrets, no one to trust …..always, always, always, waiting for his arm around my back, familiar, keeping me safe. I closed my eyes. Buried my nose against his shirt. Put my arms around him and let him squeeze me just as hard as he wanted to…….. ……..and came home at last. FINIS
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