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Scars Chapter 6 Richard was still sleeping on the couch when I headed back out to Arbutus’s the next morning. I’d gotten a couple hours sleep, and a shower to wake me up again. Everybody was eating breakfast when I got there. Becky stopped eating and started bouncing in her chair when she saw me. “Da-da-da-da-da-da-da!” I got a handful of cereal on my face when I leaned down to give her a kiss. Arbutus put a plate of bacon and toast on the table for me while I washed it off. Charles looked sleepy. “You staying home from school today, champ?” I asked. “I wanna go to school. Mrs. Robideaux’ll miss me.” “I think it would be better if you stayed here.” “So that woman didn’t show up last night,” Lynn said. She looked weary. “No.”
“We could all have slept at home.” An accusation. Like I was just causing problems to inconvenience her. She didn’t mellow over night; she didn’t look like she’d changed her mind. I put down my toast. My appetite was gone. “Lynn---“ “I don’t think we should talk about it in front of the children, do you?” She got up and went in the living room without looking at me again. I took a deep breath and stood up. Arbutus rubbed my back and said, “I’ll watch the kids. We’ll go out and do the chores. And I’ll call Charles’ teacher and tell her he’ll be out today.” Lynn was sitting on the couch. I stood in front of her, put my hands in my pockets. “So?” I asked. “What do you want me to do?” She was looking at her hands, clasped on her knees. “I don’t know. I know I shouldn’t have given you an ultimatum last night, and I’m sorry about that. I should have known what your answer would be before I said it.” “You know……I tried to tell you a long time ago it wasn’t gonna work out. That I was gonna be more trouble than I was worth. You were the one who wouldn’t let me go. You said---“ Stupid. It didn’t matter what she said then. “Now…....there’s Becky to think about. And Charles. It’s gonna be lots harder.” “Are you saying you’re leaving me?” Real quiet. I shook my head. “Nope. You made me promise never to walk out on you, even for your own good. Remember? So it’s up to you.” “What does that mean?”
“Means I’ll do whatever you want me to do. If it’s best for you and the kids for me to go…….” I had to stop for a second. Make myself say it. “…..you just tell me. I want you to have that normal life you want. Don’t wanna get in the way.” “Just like that? You’ll just walk away? Our marriage doesn’t mean anymore to you than that?” I couldn’t believe she’d ask me that. And if she didn’t already know the answer to that question, then how much did it mean? “If that’s what you want. I’ll do whatever you want me to do.” She looked up from her hands, into my face. I couldn’t tell what she was thinking. After a minute, I turned away, toward the window. About what I figured. Been coming on for a while; been in the air since Arrowhead. I thought maybe I could hold it off, you know? Get another year with her, and then maybe another year…….trying to do what I could do to keep us together. But life with me was just too hard. Not what she wanted anymore. Guess I couldn’t blame her. Through the windowglass I could see Arbutus and the kids walking down to the barn. Charles was skipping in circles around Arbutus and Becky as they walked. Becky lost her balance and fell on her little butt a coupla times. I figured I knew what she wanted, she just didn’t wanna say it. “OK. I’ll look for a place today. Shouldn’t take too long to find something. Maybe Arliss’ll leave you all alone if……” Dammit. Had to stop and clear my throat. “No argument? You’ll just go?” I nodded once. “I don’t wanna make you unhappy. Want you to have what you want.” “And what do you want?” She stood up and walked over to me. “Why don’t you fight for us? Why do you always quit?” “You don’t think I fight? That’s rich. Everything I do is for you, and my children.” I shouldn’t have to tell her that. Whose face was it I saw in my mind everyday in the mountains? She was the reason I worked so hard to stay alive. And the reason I’d been trying to fit into this one-horse town, trying to put up with the most boring damn job I’d ever had---who else would I do that for but her? “Who am I supposed to fight, anyway? You? I don’t wanna fight you. I love you.” “Oh, baby….” Lynn put her hands on my face and made me look at her. “I worry about you so much. Sometimes it makes me sick, I’m so scared for you. I feel like…..like I can’t bear another minute of it.” “I know. I’m sorry. I don’t know what to do about it.” “It’s ‘cause I love you so much.” She kissed me. “And you’d walk away from me if I told you to. If I said it was what I needed.” She kissed me again. “I wish you’d tell me what you need. You’re lucky I know what that look on your face means. You’re lucky I can see what you’re thinking, so I know it kills you the same way it kills me when I hear you talking about going away.” “You said you can’t stand it anymore. Didn’t you?” Her arms looped around my neck; my arms automatically closed around her waist. “Yesterday. Yesterday I couldn’t. Maybe today I can.” We were standing in front of the window, so I expect if they looked back at the house, Arbutus and the kids saw us kissing. I wasn’t sure how things stood between us, but her body softened against me, her mouth welcomed me; maybe it wouldn’t be stupid to hope things’d be OK again. For a while. We were sitting on the couch, sorta wrapped around each other, when she said, “You shot at Patty.” I pulled away from her. I kinda needed to get my breath anyway, so it was OK……. “I did. I’m sorry. I’ll be more careful.” I pulled her leg around my waist, so I was closer to the cradle of her hips, and then concentrated on her mouth again. The next time we came up for air, she said, “If only we knew how long this is all going to go on. The not-knowing is the worst thing. And Charles can’t stay home from school forever.” It didn’t take much to push her back into the cushions and settle on top of her. “Just till the moon’s right.” She pulled her mouth away from my kiss and said, “What? What does that mean?” “She said when the moon’s right, we’ll…..finish it.” “I thought you said she didn’t show up.” “She called me.”
“You talked to her.” I nodded. “The woman who gave you these,” she ran her hand inside the neck of my shirt, “called and…….made an appointment?” “I guess you could call it that.” “To do what? What does she want?” “I suppose she feels like……I’m the one who got away.” “That’s horrible.” She shivered in my arms. “And she wants Charles.” I was doing it again; I was scaring her, but it couldn’t be helped. I had to make sure she understood. I said, “So you and the kids have to go away until it’s all over with.” She shut her eyes. “This is just what I was talking about. How can I stand this kind of thing all the time?” “I know.” “How do you stand it?” I didn’t have an answer. I didn’t know, and I guess I still don’t know, how to say what it was like for me. All I knew was, when things happen, you just go on. You just do it. What else can you do? She hugged me tight, and said, “I expected Arbutus to read me the riot act last night after you left. I know if there were sides to be taken, she’d be on yours. But she didn’t. You know what she said?” I shook my head. “She said, ‘when you stood up in front of God and promised “for better or worse”……what did you think “worse” meant?’” She pulled me back down to her, and kissed me long and hard. I moved to her neck, and she said in my ear, real soft, “Come upstairs with me, baby. I want to love you till you can’t stand up. Till you can’t see. Till you think your heart’s going to stop when you come. Upstairs, baby. Come upstairs.” You probably know me well enough to know what I said…….. It took a while for Lynn to do all those things she said she wanted to do. A good long while. It was late afternoon before we managed to get dressed and go back down, and even then…….. At the bottom of the stairs, she stopped. We were holding hands; she faced me and took my other hand. “The next time I tell you I can’t stand something, you tell me I can. If I ever tell you you have to leave, tell me you won’t. Tell me things are going to be the way you want them.” She kissed me. “As long as I’m one of the things you want.” “Nothing I want more.” She had hold a’ my hands, otherwise they’da been in her hair, under her skirt…….As it was, we ended up against the wall, kissing like we were never gonna see each other again. Knocked one a’ Arbutus’s pictures down, and didn’t notice until later. I’ve never met any woman who can rouse me the way she can, who can make me want it even when I can hardly keep my eyes open, even when I’m too sore to move, or when I don’t know what I think about anything else……… She was still mine. We didn’t spend the morning, and then the afternoon, saying good-bye to each other. Too sweet for that, not sad enough. Didn’t know about the future, but she told me with every little thing she did---every touch of her fingers or her tongue, every laugh or moan---that right then, she was mine. I figured that’s all anybody can ask for; as much as anybody ever gets. We didn’t realize how big an audience we had till Becky started screaming. The doorway to the kitchen is almost in a straight line to the bottom of the staircase, so when we looked up, we saw 4 people watching us. Charles was hiding his eyes. Becky was screaming ‘cause she wanted us to stop, I guess; Arbutus looked down at her coffee cup with a smirk on her face, Jones and Miss Robideaux looked uncomfortable. Hell. All we were doing just now was kissing…..’course I had Lynn pressed up against the wall…….the adults wouldn’t have to think too hard to figure out we hadn’t been sleeping all damn day. I didn’t have any shoes on, and my shirttails were hanging out. I wasn’t sure where my jacket was. And Lynn……..she had the look that every man knows the meaning of………the slightly bruised lips, the tousled hair, the heat that hadn’t quite died outta her eyes, the glow on her skin that gets your blood pumping just thinking about it…….. “Are they done yet?” Charles asked. “I think it’s safe to look now,” Arbutus said. He peeked through his fingers to make sure before he took his hands away from his face. “I don’t know why they have to do that all the time.” Arbutus smiled. Becky didn’t stop screaming till I picked her up. She’s real stubborn. And loud. Wants what she wants, and right now. I wonder which of us she gets that from. “You two hungry?” Arbutus said. “I think I got some ham for sandwiches in the icebox.” Lynn made sandwiches for us while Jones tried not to look at her, and Miss R. tried not to look at me. “What happened to your arm?” I asked. Arbutus’ forearm had a big white bandage around it. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Arbutus look guilty before. Or…..maybe not guilty, exactly; apprehensive, maybe. She looked at Jones; he looked down at his coffee cup. “Well……after we got the chores done this morning…….I decided we should go into town and get Charles’s books……and a few things we needed…….” She looked at me. “I thought since nothing happened yesterday it would be alright.” I just waited. She took a deep breath. “We were in the five and dime, and Charles ran outside ahead of me. When I came out, he was walking down the sidewalk……with a woman. She had him by the hand……..” Even though he was sitting right there at the table, I felt another chill go through me. Lynn stopped making the sandwiches and turned around to listen, her hand over her mouth. “I ran after them, but I was carrying Becky, and she was hurrying Charles along…….I couldn’t catch up……so I…..” She looked at Jones again, snorted at the little grin on his face. “…..I screamed as loud as I could. You shoulda seen the heads poke out of the shops.” She smiled a little herself. “Ansel stepped out of his barbershop---it’s a good thing you took Charles there for his haircut last time, ‘cause he saw right away what was wrong, and he stepped in front of them---you know how big Ansel is---he filled up the walk. And he grabbed Charles away from her. Hoisted him over his shoulder and carried him back inside the barbershop. By this time, I was close.” She looked guilty again. “I know I shouldn’t have, since I had Becky on my arm, but I got hold of her dress. I thought I could hang on to her until Herbert got there. Or Jones, or somebody. Then we’d have her.” Sonuvabitch. “You caught her?” “Well….for a few minutes.” Jones said, “I saw what was going on, and I ran, but I couldn’t make it in time. I’m sorry, Bud.” “She pulled some little scissors out of her pocket. Sewing scissors, it looked like. Fancy gold ones.” I knew what scissors she meant. “With a bird on the handle,” I said. I’d seen them in my dream. “And she cut you with them to make you let her go.” “Not exactly.” She looked guiltier still. “She was aiming for Becky. I managed to get my arm in the way.” I couldn’t say anything. I hugged Becky tight. She squealed and kissed me and patted me on the cheek. “I’m sorry, Bud, it was stupid. I wasn’t thinking. And I didn’t realize……I mean, I never thought……why would she want to hurt Becky?” Suddenly I was angry. “Were you just humoring me yesterday? Didn’t you listen to me at all? Of course she’s dangerous. Why do you think I told you to get your shotgun out and be ready? I shoved my gun in a woman’s face yesterday just because she had black hair, and lost my head entirely when I saw Patty here inside the house. Why do you think I did that?” Arbutus looked puzzled. “Black hair? No, Bud, the woman with the scissors was a red-head.” Shit. I said it out loud. A coupla times. Miss R. didn’t say anything. In fact, she’d been sitting real quiet, hadn’t said a thing. I didn’t know what she was doing there. Right then, I didn’t much care. “OK, that settles it.” I stood up and gave Becky back to Arbutus. “You all have to leave town. All of you. Get packed and get gone tonight.” “I don’t want to go,” Lynn said. She had tears in her eyes. “I don’t want to leave you here alone.” “You have to go.” Her hands clenched into fists. I could see we were headed for an argument. “You have to keep the children safe. Dig out the gun I gave you and the shells and take it along.” “I hate this!” she said. If I’d been standing closer, she mighta slapped me again. “I know you do. You can let me have it later.” She sniffed and wiped her eyes. “I suppose we could go stay with---“ I interrupted her. “Don’t tell me where you’re going. Don’t tell anybody.” Charles said, “I knew it. I knew it.” He had tears in his eyes, too. “Now we have to go away, and I’ll never see you again.” He jumped off his chair. I caught him as he ran past, and picked him up. “I’ll see you again, champ.” “I don’t believe you.” “Do I lie to you?” “I don’t care. This is what always happens.” The room was real still. “Come on, pardner.” We went into the living room and sat down. “You and Lynn are just going on a vacation. Becky and Arbutus are gonna go, too. And then, after a while, you’ll all come back.” “What’re you gonna do?” I thought about doing that thing that adults do; you know, telling kids it’s nothing to worry about, just a grown-up thing that has to be taken care of. Basically telling them it’s none of their business, just ‘cause it’s something hard to talk about. That used to really piss me off when I was a kid; and Charles was lots smarter than I was. So I decided to try and tell him the truth. Sorta. Somehow. “I’m gonna try and catch the lady you met today. Before she hurts somebody.” Charles nodded. “She was nice and everything…….but she made me feel funny. And she made Granny scream.” “How come you went with her?” “She said you wanted me to. She said you needed me. We was going where you were.” Damn. “I would never send a stranger to get you. If you don’t know somebody, never go off with ‘em.” “I didn’t know Lynn when I came here.” “Yeah, you were lucky there, pardner. Now---I need you to go along with the women and help keep Becky safe. OK? She’s too little to take care of herself. That’s what big brothers are supposed to do.” “Lynn said you had a little sister.” “Yeah.” “Where is she?” This was not gonna help. But I wasn’t gonna lie. “I don’t know.” I expected him to ask me. I woulda had to tell him she went away and didn’t come back. But he didn’t ask. “Your mama went away. Like mine did.” “Not exactly like yours, but close enough, I guess.” “Did you have a dad?” I thought the last couple questions were hard. I didn’t know for sure how to answer this one for a minute; but I had to say, “Yes,” even though it felt like a lie. “He’s not here.” He didn’t say it like a question, but it was. I sighed. “He went away after my mother died. He’s dead now, too.” He was quick. “Your whole family went away and didn’t come back? See? That’s what happens.” “It’s not quite the same this time. You’re going away, not me. And you’re coming back. Aren’t you?” “Sure.” He kicked his feet. He was thinking. “Did you miss your daddy when he was gone?” I took a deep breath. “He wasn’t a good daddy. I didn’t miss him much.” “Oh.” He kicked some more. “Did you get another daddy?” “Nah. I decided I didn’t want one.” “Oh.” I moved him to a better place on my lap so he didn’t get my shins with his heels. “I never had a daddy before,” he said. “I know.” “I’m gonna miss you while we’re gone. I kinda wish you was my real daddy.” He ducked his head after he said that, like he wasn’t sure he shoulda. We hadn’t said anything to Charles about me and his mother; we were gonna wait till he was older……but I just couldn’t let this go by. No matter what I said to Charles, I knew there was a chance that things wouldn’t go right, that Arliss might be harder to catch than I thought………there was always a chance that I wouldn’t see him again. “I am your real daddy.” He shook his head. “It’s OK. You don’t have to say that. I knew you were telling the judge a fib.” “No, I really am your father. I knew your mother before you were born.” He frowned. His little forehead crinkled up and I could tell he thought I was fibbing again. “You’re married to Lynn.” “I am now. I wasn’t then.” “Were you married to my mama?” “Ahhh…….not exactly.” “Well, there, see, you gotta be married to be a daddy. Like with Becky.” Frown was gone. He had it all figured out. I sighed. “Not always. Your mama and I…….knew each other for a while…..and then we had……..a big problem……..and then we sorta split up. And she didn’t tell me about you.” “That was dumb.” “Yeah, it was kinda dumb. But that’s what happened.” He sat still and thought about that for a while. “And I’m not going away. I’m gonna be right here when you get back.” Just have to hope that wasn’t a lie. He leaned over and sorta laid his head on my shirt. I put my arms around him and we sat there that way for several minutes. I guessed he was satisfied for the moment. It’s a funny thing—sometimes he seems like an older kid. He reads good, and he knows what he’s supposed to do in school. Understands things. But sometimes he seems like a real little boy. Like……he isn’t done being a baby yet. My old man woulda never let me lay around on anybody’s lap if he knew about it. That was for babies. He used to give me holy hell if he caught me “acting like a pussy”. I kinda feel like I shouldn’t let Charles act like a baby, that I should be raising him to be a man……but I don’t feel like scolding him for wanting some affection……. I guess what it comes down to is, I don’t know what’s right. My old man wasn’t much good as a father; so I kinda figure just because he did things a certain way isn’t enough reason for me to do ‘em that way……..but I still feel like I‘m not doing my job. You know? Like I’m not raising Charles right. I said something to Lynn once, I can’t remember just what it was about, but she got real quiet. And then she said if I made it a point to do just the opposite of my old man, I would probably get it right. She said it probably wouldn’t hurt the boy to make a mistake once in a while by being easy on him. I hope she’s right, ‘cause that’s what I’ve been trying to do. I still feel stupid, though; I don’t know for sure what I’m doing. I worry about it. “Is it a secret?” he asked. “Can I tell people you’re my real dad?” “Sure, I guess so. If you want to.” He snuggled up a little closer. “I’m gonna tell Granny first. She’ll be happy. She likes you.” That made me smile. I hugged him and tried not to worry about whether I oughta be hugging him. Told myself my old man wouldn’ta been caught dead doing that, so it was probably OK………. My fucking old man. Killing him didn’t make as much difference as I thought it would at the time. I’m still glad I did it; thankful he’ll never know Charles or Becky, never have the chance to lay a hand on ‘em…… But I guess I’ll never be able to leave the old bastard behind. Not really. I hate having to think what he woulda done, just so I can do the opposite. I hate thinking about him at all. It keeps him around, you know? But I don’t dare just do stuff without thinking. I gotta be careful, the kids depend on me. They trust me. I just gotta be careful.
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