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Fathers and Sons Chapter 10 It was a helluva funeral. Standing room only. “Mercy,” Arbutus said, sitting next to me in the front row. “There’s enough flowers here to choke a horse.” Charles sat on her other side. He’d been staying pretty close to her. It was hard on him, and Arbutus seemed to know just when to hug him and when to let him alone. I suppose you’re expecting me to tell you I gave a eulogy, said lots of real emotional things and everybody had a good cry. But I didn’t do that. They asked me to be one of the speakers, but I said no. I tried not to listen to anything that anybody said, I just wanted to get it over with and get outta there. I missed my mother’s funeral. They had to have her funeral pretty quick, cause a’ the state of the body, and I was still in the hospital when they buried her. It wouldn’ta been like the Rev’s. There wouldn’ta been those huge bouquets of flowers, or crowds of people. I don’t know if there was anybody there except the minister. It bothered me for a long time. I felt so bad, I missed her so bad…….I hiked out to the cemetery after they let me out, and found where she was buried. Took me half a day to get there. All I found was a mound of dirt with grass starting to grow on it already, and a stick with her name. She wasn’t there. There was nothing for me there. So I didn’t go back. I don’t know if I could find it again. I went to Stens’ funeral. It wasn’t like my mother’s, there were plenty of flowers, plenty of people, I even stood up and said a coupla things like, he’d been my partner for a long time, and he was a good man to have at your back, that kinda shit. Later, laying in the hospital, I had time to think about that. He told me once I was the best partner he’d ever had. I was; I was just stupid enough to work with the man every goddam day and never suspect a thing. So naïve I never had a clue he was as dirty as he was, too dumb to figure out he’d been lying to me from the beginning. I stood up for him whenever he got in trouble, I lied for him when he needed me to, I got suspended after Bloody Christmas because I wouldn’t rat him out. And I was too stupid to get in the way. So yeah, I was the perfect partner. And I stood up and told those fucking lies at his funeral in front a’ God and everybody. Christ. When I said I didn’t wanna say anything at the Rev’s funeral, Richard said he would. You woulda thought Richard coulda managed not to be an asshole for one afternoon. I was trying not to listen. I figured I knew just about what he’d say. The regular stuff about what a good man the Rev was, and how much he cared about everybody, and probably something about how he treated Richard like a son, and then I figured Richard would sniffle and have to stop a couple times…..maybe a poem or something..…you know how these things go. I just wanted to leave. I just wanted it to be over so I could go home. And then at one point, a rumble of low conversation began in the congregation, people were looking at each other, Arbutus put her hand over her mouth. I heard my name. He was talking about me. The sniffling part I got right, but when I raised my head, he was looking right at me, talking to me. “……..loved you better’n anybody, look what he went through for you, you ungrateful sonuvabitch, and you can’t even be bothered to say something before we put him in the ground, you’re probably thinking about your dinner—“ I stood up. He stopped talking. Lynn had her hand on my arm; “Bud, don’t,” she said, but I pulled my arm away from her. “Who’s the ungrateful sonuvabitch here? Who’s been sponging off him all this time, eating his food, sleeping in his house, letting him take care a’ you like you were a little kid? Huh? “He wasn’t a saint. He was a goddam nosy old bastard that never could keep from meddling in everybody’s business, he didn’t have any idea how the rest of the world worked outside a’ this jerkwater little town, and when there was a choice to be made, he almost always did the wrong thing. “And he loved you—he made me promise I was gonna look after you, ya stupid little shit.” Part a’ me was glad to see the scared look on Richard’s face after I said that. He shoulda been scared; I coulda beat the crap out of ‘im right then and not regretted it, except I was too far away. “You say that again, that I didn’t give a shit about him, and I might have to knock your teeth in. But I’m not gonna stand up in front a’ everybody and bawl about it. If I miss him, that’s my business. What I feel like is my business. You can just shut the fuck up.” And then I had to leave. I got outta the pew ok, put my hand on the casket for a minute, cause it was right there, and got down the aisle, but I caught my arm on the door jamb, ‘cause I couldn’t see where the hell I was going. Dammit. Broke a stitch or two; I could feel the warm spot where the blood was soaking into my shirtsleeve. Lynn wouldn’t be happy about me ruining another shirt. I stopped before trying to go down the steps outside, didn’t wanna fall on my butt, too; but I waited until the door was all the way shut before wiping at my face. Nobody else’s damn business. You know? I sat on the front bumper of Lynn’s car while I waited for them to get done inside the church. Yeah, I’d have to drive out to the cemetery, but I didn’t figure on having any part a’ that either, I was planning on staying in the car. The heavy door on the front of the church flew open, and banged against the railing, before slamming shut again. I looked up; Charles ran across the lawn, across the gravel toward me. Nobody else, just him. He threw his arms around my neck and hugged me hard enough I couldn’t breathe for a coupla seconds. I hugged him back. I don’t know that I ever did anything to deserve a boy like him. I thanked God for him then and still do. He’s a helluva kid. He was getting almost too big to sit on my knee, but he hopped up there anyway and said, “I’m gonna miss the Rev, too.” I nodded. “Yeah.” “He was kinda like my Grandpa, huh? The way Arbutus is like my Granny.” “I guess so.” He was quiet for a while. I said, “They about done in there?” “No. I don’t think so. I said I had to go to the bathroom.” “Do you have to go?” “No. I just wanted to come outside.” “You shouldn’t lie to Lynn.” “It’s OK, I don’t think she believed me.” “You gonna go back in?” He shook his head, and leaned back against my shoulder. “The minister told Richard to sit down and be quiet. Then after that they were just praying and singing and I got bored.” After a few seconds he said, “Do you think the Rev minds that we’re not in there?” “I don’t know, what do you think?” “I don’t think so. I think if he wasn’t a reverend, he would be out here with us. If he wasn’t dead.” “Maybe so.” There was still something on his mind; it was just taking him a while to work up to it. “I didn’t go to my mama’s funeral.” “Well, we were here, just outside.” “That doesn’t count. I didn’t go in.” He fidgeted, kicked his heels against my leg. “Do you think she minds that I didn’t go in?” I shook my head. “I bet your mama didn’t like to go to funerals, either. I bet if she coulda, she woulda been outside with you.” Something else still bothering him. “My mama wasn’t very much like Lynn.” “Not a lot, no.” “Lynn’s pretty good at being a mama.” “Yep.” “I’ve been thinking…..I’ve been thinking maybe my mama wasn’t a very good mama. She never made breakfast, or put candy in my pants pockets for me to find. She didn’t know how to hammer. Sometimes I felt like she didn’t want me around. I feel funny sometimes, like she’d be mad at me if she knew I thought that. Or maybe I’m not a very good boy because I don’t miss her more…..” His voice trailed off. I wasn’t sure I knew what to say. If I told him the truth, that I thought his mother was an irresponsible bitch, and he was better off without her, he’d probably punch me, same as I would do if it was me. And she saved my life, so maybe I shouldn’t be badmouthing her. But I didn’t know anything good to say about her. “Well……” I said. “You can’t be sad every minute. Otherwise, everybody in the whole world would be sad all the time, ‘cause everybody’s got somebody that died, that they miss. Missing her sometimes is OK. And if you were sad about her all the time, Lynn’d think she was doing something wrong, that she wasn’t being a good mom.” He thought about that. “It’s hard to know what to do.” “It is. Sometimes you have to just do what you feel like doing. Like now, sitting out in the parking lot insteada inside the church.” “I couldn’t stand to be in there with all those ladies crying no more. I had to get out.” “I hear ya.” “Bud?” “Yeah?” “You were crying, too. I saw you.” I waited for him to call me on it, to say dads weren’t supposed to cry. ‘Cause they’re not. Crying’s for women. I was ashamed I let him see that, my old man woulda called me a damn violet and given me a smack and he woulda been right, hell, my old man never cried a day in his life………….How can you expect your son to look up to you when you’re acting like a pussy? I was trying to think what to say when I realized what I was doing…….. Fuck that. “Yeah. I was. I miss the Rev.” Not sure that was the right thing, but at least it was something my old man never woulda said. He nodded. “I miss him, too.” Silence. “Bud? What does jerkwater mean?” You know what, I thought I’d be in the doghouse for a long time after I realized I’d called Bisbee a jerkwater little town in front of just about everybody that lived there. It just goes to show ya…… When we got to the cemetery, I stayed in the car. Lynn looked irritated for a minute, then she said, “If you’re not going to be with the rest of us for the rest of the ceremony, would you mind watching Becky so she can play?” And she put Becky down on the grass and walked away. “Sure,” I said to the back of her head. Becky took off like a wobbly little rocket, in and out and around the headstones, and then she headed for the people standing around the grave. I figured I better follow her, Lynn would be sitting down in front with Arbutus and Wanda, the Rev’s cousin from Kalamazoo, and wouldn’t be able to catch her. The crowd was pretty spread out, there was no way the people on the outside of the group could hear what was being said under the tent. The wind was blowing, the awnings were flapping, the crows were cawing…….. . . . “Bud.” Sam, wearing a black suit that was probably old when I was born. He put his hand on my back, patted it a coupla times……and then old Miss Hartmann from the library grabbed my hand and pulled me a coupla steps. “I want you to meet my niece.” She had one of those old lady voices that quavered when she talked, and a grin just as big and pretty as any twenty–year-old I’d ever seen. “This is that policeman I was telling you about, Audrey. Audrey’s come to live here.” “I can’t chat, I’m trying to watch Becky.” “Don’t worry about her, she’s fine, she’s over there with Cynthia.” She was, she was sitting in Toots’ arms trying to pull her hat off. Toots’s daughter was standing there, too, with her new fella, looking happy finally. Glad to see that. . . . Lynn must have closed the shop for the day, Sybil was standing some way off, watching. She hadn’t been here long enough to get to know the Rev very well….I suppose since everybody else in town was here, there wasn’t anything else to do but show up here, too. But she wasn’t paying any attention to the service, she was watching me…….. . . . Ansel the barber shook my hand in his big paw and pulled me a little farther into the crowd. Herbert nodded at me, and smiled, and turned his hearing aid up. . . . Old Mrs. Wentworth’s squeaky voice rose above the rest of the noise. “Over there, he’s over there, why don’t you do what I tell you?” I wound my way through the crowd to where she sat in her wheelchair. I caught her umbrella before she could hit her niece on the head with it. “There you are, Ronald!” she said. “I thought this stupid girl had missed you.” The “girl”—50 years old if she was a day—rolled her eyes, took the umbrella out of my hands and hung it on the back of the wheelchair. “Here! I want that!” “You be good, Mrs. Wentworth,” I said. “You always say that. Don’t worry, I won’t do anything you wouldn’t do.” She laughed, a squeaky cackle that turned heads. “I don’t know why you don’t call me Aunt Ellen.” Then she leaned over and tried to untie her shoes with her shaky fingers. The niece, Esme, reached over and took my hand for a moment, then pulled Mrs. Wentworth’s shawl up over her shoulders, and said, “Leave your shoes on, Aunt Ellen, we’re at a funeral.” “Whose funeral?” . . . I looked around, Toots wasn’t holding Becky. I could see where she was, people were looking down and stepping back, she was probably giving ‘em a shove if they were in her way. Jones’ hand landed on my shoulder when I walked past him. Dewey and Ben clapped me on the back. Ben said, “We ain’t seen you down at Sam’s for a while, there, Bud.” “Some of us have to work, y’know,” I said. He chuckled. “You let me know when you want me to help you put in that hedge. We’ll get ‘er done, don’t you worry about that.” That’s the way it went. You get the idea. I ended up right behind Lynn at the end of the service. Becky was standing in front of the minister, who smiled down at her as he closed his book. She squatted down and looked at her reflection in his shiny black shoes. I watched ‘em, I thought maybe she’d be in his way, but he stood real still till she was done making faces. She stood up, grinned up at him, and patted him on the leg. I shook hands with him, but I can’t tell you his name now, I only met him that once. He was a friend of the Rev’s from the seminary. I didn’t talk with him at all, I knew Becky was getting ready to take off again, and I picked her up. She’s got a mind of her own. Always has had. Picking her up made her mad. She pushed against me, and complained. When I didn’t do what she wanted, she scrunched up her little face and screamed. Began to buck, throwing out her arms and legs. A full-blown tantrum inside a’ ten seconds. I tucked her under my arm and headed back toward the car. Everybody got outta my way. Richard caught up with me at the lunch in the church basement. Peggy Peterson was with him; she gave him a little push in my direction. “Hey, Deputy,” she said. “Hey, Peggy.” A big change in Peggy lately. She’d grown up a whole lot in just a little while. She still shouldn’ta been in the Clamdigger. She wasn’t that grown-up. I had Becky in my arms; she was working on a big chocolate chip cookie and getting crumbs and chocolate all over my jacket. “Ummm,” Richard said. He stuck his hands in his back pockets. I didn’t help him. Becky was happy to see him. “Jerd!” she said and grinned at him. “Hi!” She held out one of her hands, and opened and closed her fingers in his direction. She hadn’t learned “C’mere,” yet. I figured that’d be next. “Um, hi, Becky. Listen, Bud…” He moved closer as he spoke. She leaned over, reached way out, grabbed his ear with her chocolatey hand, and pulled. Planted a messy kiss on him when he was close enough. Let go of him and looked pretty pleased with herself. She’s Lynn’s daughter. Figured out just what to do even when she didn’t know what the problem was. Richard’s an asshole. Everybody knows it. But he doesn’t have a mean bone in his body, all the stupid things he does are usually ‘cause he doesn’t know what else to do. He can’t help it and everybody knows that, too. He looked just about right with chocolate all over his ear and his mouth, looked like a confused kid……. I knew Richard was gonna have trouble handling it after the Rev. was gone. What can you do? Nothing. There’s nothing you can do. You can’t reason with Death, you can’t strong-arm it, you can’t bargain, you can’t drink it away. It just goes on and takes people away from you no matter what you do. He was upset, hurting, he wanted to hurt something or somebody back, and he doesn’t have a .38, or mob goons to shoot at, either. I figured that out while I was sitting out in the parking lot. You know, ever since my first day in Bisbee, there was always somebody ready to give me a break; I guessed I could do the same thing……and it’s what the Rev woulda wanted me to do. “Ummm, Bud?” he said. “I’m sorry I said all that in the church.” “Yeah,” I said. “I know.” Across the room, Lynn and Arbutus stood next to the table with the pans of sheet cakes laid out on ‘em, talking with Sybil and Roberta, who had a spatula in her hand for serving the cake. While I looked over at ‘em, all four of ‘em turned their heads at the same time, and looked back at me. It was kinda odd. Becky reached for Richard with both arms. I let him take her. He looks better with chocolate on his face than I do. “Well,” he said. “I just don’t want you to be mad at me.” “It’s OK. Don’t worry about it.” He looked relieved. “OK. Good. Hey……does this mean I can come to your house in the daytime now?” “No.” I might be a pussy, and I mighta been feeling generous right then, but I ‘m not that stupid. “OK. I just thought I’d ask.” “Uh-huh.” Peggy took Richard’s handkerchief out of his pocket, dunked it in a water glass and started cleaning the chocolate off Becky’s hands. Then Richard’s face. He whispered something to her, she stopped wiping, got that look on her face…..that look that women get…..when they’re thinking about “Gone with the Wind”. Yeah, that one. He was my age, so he was way too old for Peggy…..but on the other hand, he was just a kid…….None a’ my business. Figured I oughta go get Becky so if they wanted to leave, they could. A few minutes one way or the other wouldn’t make any difference, though. I waited. Watched her do Becky’s hands again, and then her face. Richard whispered more things to her while she was doing that, and her face turned pink. She wiped the chocolate outta Becky’s hair, and then she brushed all the crumbs outta Becky’s dress, wiped off her shoes. I waited until she had Becky all cleaned up. So shoot me.
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