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Choices The clouds were building in the south. The sliver of a moon was hanging above the trees to the east. I drove back home. Lynn’s car wasn’t there. I figured it wouldn’t be, but I was hoping. Patty and Norma were still sitting in the kitchen. Patty had the bottle of Scotch sitting on the table, a coffee cup in front of her; looked like Norma had a Coke. I didn’t bother to tell them where I’d been, or what happened. I figured Betty filled ‘em in already. “Lynn’s not home yet,” Patty said. She didn’t ask me anything. Nothing. I musta been right. I nodded and went upstairs. Peeked in Becky’s room. She was asleep in her bed, with her blankie, the one with pink and blue cats and dogs on it, twisted up and wrapped all around her like a vine, the corner clutched in one little fist next to her cheek. Charles’s door was open and the light was on. It wasn’t late, I didn’t expect him to be asleep yet, so I figured I’d say goodnight before I went out again. But he was slumped over the desk in his room, still in his clothes, snoring to beat the band. I picked him up and put him on his bed, and he hardly moved. Glanced back at his desk before I went out, to see what he fell asleep over…… Comic books. Not Donald Duck or Bugs Bunny, like you’d figure. Like I woulda guessed if you’d asked me. Nope, it was Captain America. Batman. Kids. One more thing to do before I left the house. I gave Lynn a pistol not too long after we came here, told her to hide it, somewhere I wouldn’t find it; it was supposed to be her protection. She never bothered much about keeping it hidden. I always knew where it was. She woulda let it get dusty, gummy. It coulda frozen up, for all she cared, and then if she’d wanted to use it, what would she do? So I cleaned it and oiled it once in a while, and put it back in the bureau drawer, behind the silver. It wasn’t there. I had it figured where she went. What I didn’t know was why, what she was planning. Why she wasn’t back yet. “You need a fork?” Patty. “No. Lynn didn’t say anything to you?” “No. Nobody ever does.” Yeah, yeah. “I don’t have time right now, Patty, “ I said. Brushed past her, out the door, didn’t wait to hear her answer. Figured I wouldn’t like it anyway. I knew where “Bill” lived after he moved outta Lois’s, where he parked Miss Templeton’s car. Albert lost him earlier in the day, that’s how the kid ended up at Lois’s, looking for him; but I figured he’d be home now. The kid knew he was in trouble for losing the target. I’d have something to say to him about that later, but I couldn’t be too upset. He had the makings of a good cop; had good instincts. He said he knew when he knocked on Lois’s door there was something wrong. He didn’t know how he knew…..but he knew, and he went with it. Mighta been different if I wasn’t sure I’d be able to find him. But Bisbee’s not that big. Even if he had another place, I coulda just driven until I saw Lynn’s car. But I didn’t need to do that. He was right where I figured he’d be, both cars were outside the dump he was living in. Rundown apartment building in the sleazy part a’ town. A place where people go when they want to avoid questions, a place you wouldn’t expect a slick fella like that to live. Had to figure he was hiding. I had that calm feeling when I drove down there, the one where you ain’t worried about anything, you know what you need to do, you know however it’s supposed to work out is how it’s gonna be. I parked a couple blocks away. The clouds rolled up, getting rid of the little bit a’ moonlight there was…..and the street light was out. It was quiet, like everything and everybody in this part a’ town was waiting to see what happened next…… She parked right in front. Didn’t know how she knew where he was staying, but then there were a lotta things she didn’t tell me. I hadn’t thought of it before that night, but it crossed my mind there might be some other secret besides the one about her being a hooker, something she was keeping from me, too. Something she would kill to keep me from finding out, maybe? That didn’t matter much right then, it was something to think about later. I had a job to do. Till I was standing in front of the door, I also hadn’t thought too much about what I’d find inside. Didn’t have time to think about it, I had other things on my mind. Gotta confess I waited a minute before I turned the knob on the door; stood outside and wondered what I’d see when it opened…… It wasn’t locked. It opened right up, and I walked in. Not a big place, just a coupla rooms; I didn’t even have to look for ‘em, they were right there. “Bill” was sitting in an overstuffed chair, next to the Murphy bed. He was wearing his pants. His shirt and his belt and his shoes were on the floor. He smiled. “This is a surprise, friend. I didn’t know I was gonna have the pleasure of your company, too.” Picked his cigarette up outta the ashtray, and took a drag, flicked the end with his thumb, blew the smoke toward the ceiling. Relaxed. Lynn was on the other side of the bed. Sitting on the mattress, facing away from the door, looked like she was putting on her shoes. When she heard “Bill” talking to me, she looked back at me, and touched the front edges of her blouse, pulled it together. Slow and deliberate. Her hair was all messed up, her lipstick was smeared. There was a fiery red spot on her cheek, like somebody’d smacked her. She saw me……and I watched her face change, watched the expression there flatten, harden, turn inward. Something in her eyes went dead. Out, like turning off a light. Gone. I’d seen that kinda look before, but never on Lynn’s face before. It’s like……nothing matters anymore, so fuck it, you might as well floor it, you might as well come up outta the foxhole and charge the bunker, you might as well pull the trigger…… My shoe hit something on the floor as I walked into the room, looked down…..there was Lynn’s gun next to my foot. “Bill” said, “You wanna beer? I got some in the fridge.” He turned his head as he stubbed out his cigarette…..and I saw the scratches on his cheek. He glanced at me, and touched ‘em with his fingers. “Dames, huh? Sometimes they forget just who’s boss. A man’s gotta remind ‘em once in a while.” If I had any lingering doubts about what I was doing, they were gone now. Lynn started to tremble. Not with fear, not with hysteria; she was enraged. I could see it, even if “Bill” couldn’t. Or maybe he could, he just didn’t care. “You ain’t quite what you used to be, Veronica.” He stubbed his cigarette out while he talked. “Getting a little long in the tooth, I guess. But not bad. I think once a week oughta do me fine. I understand that in a little place like this, it’s hard to come up with much cash, and this fella--“ he grinned at me, “he’s been getting it for free. You just come around and remind me to keep my mouth shut, and we’ll all be happy. Isn’t that right, Deputy?” Lynn scrambled around the end of the bed and grabbed the gun off the floor, both hands around the grip, pointed it at “Bill”. He threw his head back and laughed. “We’ve been through this once already, sweetheart. You couldn’t pull the trigger then and you ain’t gonna now.” “I’m going to kill you,” she said through her teeth. She shook, her whole body trembled, the gun wavered……I put my hand over hers. Put my other arm around her waist and held her next to me. “Yeah, yeah,” he said. “You watch it, bitch, you don’t wanna make me mad. I might have to tell Ozzie here something he don’t know. You know?” He chuckled. “Say…how’s about you make yourself useful, turn around and get me a beer?” “Lynn. Give me the gun.” I tried to take it outta her hands, she clutched it harder. “I have to kill him,” she said, in that voice I hate to hear coming outta her mouth. Brittle, sharp, cold. “I have to shoot him. Let me go.” “You don’t wanna do that, baby. You don’t wanna kill anybody.” “You tell her, Deputy.” “Bud--“ She finally looked at me, still trying to pull the gun away from my hand. “Not you.” She looked into my face, in my eyes, and her grip on the revolver loosened. “Maybe you’re a better cop than I thought. It might be you and I are gonna get along just fine.” “Yeah,” I said. “Maybe so.” Lynn let go of the gun, took her hands off it, let me have it. I pulled her close, held her tight, felt her shaking all through me. Raised the revolver, pointed it at “Bill”. “Oh, come on…..this is getting ridiculous.” He pulled another cigarette out, held it between his first two fingers. Threw the pack back down on the table. “You and I both know you’re not gonna pull the trigger either.” Reached for the matches. I put my free hand on the back of Lynn’s head, held her against my shoulder. “Don’t look, baby.”
It took about two seconds to convince Herbert that “Bill” pulled a gun on me when I went to question him about Arbutus’s “accident”. He didn’t ask if there were any witnesses, he didn’t ask me anything, he said he didn’t need a full report. He said it was a terrible thing, and the world was in a helluva state these days, why, there was just no way to know who to trust anymore. Or some horseshit like that. He didn’t look me in the face when he said it. There was no quibbling over technicalities this time, no whining about being a modern police force now. His problem was gone, and somebody else did the dirty work, and he couldn’t help but be satisfied with that…..but he wasn’t comfortable with it yet. I sent Lynn home in her car before I called anybody else; it was a coupla hours before I could go home to see how she was. Patty was fighting mad when I got there. She spit at me as soon as I came in the door, “What the hell did you do to my sister?” So Lynn didn’t tell her anything. I figured that meant I couldn’t tell her anything either. “Just trying to take care of her.” She opened her mouth to do some more yelling, but then shut it and looked down at the floor. Like she was thinking. “Is she upstairs?” I asked. I thought for a second she was gonna say no; panicked, I thought---just for a second---she came home just long enough to pack her things, and the kids, and she’s gone…… …..except her car was in the driveway. She couldn’t be gone. She had to be here. I took the stairs two at a time anyway. I don’t remember if Patty answered me or not. Becky was in her room, except now she was sprawled the wrong way on the bed, and her blankie was laying on the floor. Charles was laying just about where I’d put him, still snoring. Our room was dark. I hesitated in the doorway, wondering just what Lynn might be doing. “You can turn the light on,” Lynn said. “I’m not asleep.” I did that. She was sitting in the chair next to the bed. She had a glass in her hand, amber liquid in it that I took to be whiskey, most likely. “Did you get everything taken care of?” she said. “Yeah. All done, except for the courtroom stuff later.” She nodded. Swirled the booze around and around in the glass, watching it. “I’m not going to tell you what it is.” I turned and leaned my back up against the doorframe. “Yeah, I figured that.” “Never.” I nodded. “I know.” “I couldn’t let him ruin everything for me….but I had to make sure he wasn’t just blowing smoke, that he was who he said he was, and that he knew…..things. I had to be certain.” “Sure.” I heard the door slam downstairs. Patty leaving, probably. Becky made a noise, a snuffly little snort, I could hear the rustling of her sheets as she rolled around in her bed some more. Lynn took a drink and set the glass down on the side table. “It’ll never be the same between us now. I realize that.” She didn’t look at me. She hadn’t looked at me yet. “Why not?” “You’ll wonder. You won’t be able to help it.” “Maybe. Maybe not.” “You’ll think about it, about him and me today in his room….and that’ll bother you…..and you’ll hate it that there’s something you don’t know about me, some…..terrible secret.” “Maybe.” I walked over, picked up her glass. “Or…..” Took a drink. It wasn’t whiskey. Handed the apple juice back to her. “….it could be I know everything I need to know about you, and don’t care about the rest.” I like saying something that surprises her, it makes me feel good. Her mouth hangs open a little for a split second, then she realizes it’s open and closes it. I love that. “You know I thought you were sitting up here getting drunk,” I said. “I can’t do that, Charles has a dentist appointment early in the morning.” I coulda smiled at that, but I didn’t wanna let her off the hook too soon. “Aren’t you going to ask me about….about….what happened today?” I sighed. “I wasn’t gonna. You wanna tell me about it, I suppose.” “I want you to know…..I didn’t go there planning it to go that way. I didn’t choose to…..do it; he hit me a couple times, and I thought…..it would be easier to let him go ahead instead of fighting with him. And then I could shoot him afterward. And I thought you’d never know.” I nodded. “Ok.” Actually, I think I would have figured it out when I investigated the shooting, but I didn’t say that. “I was surprised….I thought it wouldn’t bother me.” She swallowed hard. “You know, I thought it would be just like…..” She stopped and drank some more juice. “Yeah.” “But it wasn’t. It was…….” Her chin quivered. I thought, ok, here comes the waterworks. Sat down on the bed and pulled her over there with me. I was wrong. She sat up straight. “I used to wonder why some women made such a big deal about being forced…..why some of them fight and get beaten up rather than just give in for 15 minutes or so. I suppose with some it’s fear, trying to get away because they think they’re gonna get killed…..but for me…..he was stronger than I was, it was smarter not to fight, but…..he made me so fucking angry, I wanted to kill him with my bare hands. For making me do it when I didn’t want to, you know? For thinking he had the right. Do you understand what I mean?” “Sure.” I didn’t really, not then, but I said I did. I had time to think about it later. “Bud,” she said, and kissed me. “You killed him…..for me. Because of what he did. Do you know what that means to me? Nobody else would have done that for an ex-prostitute, no one else would have thought it mattered,” she said. “You don’t think so?” She shook her head. “No. Only you. You’re a special man.” “Yeah?” She nodded. “Then next time something like this comes up, maybe you could give me a little more credit. Let me in on stuff before it gets to this point, insteada keeping everything a big secret, like you’re the only one who can figure out what to do. So maybe I don’t have to kill anybody. OK?” Surprised her again. Surprised myself a little, it bothered me more than I realized till I started talking. She nodded, and said, “I’m sorry. I thought I could handle it.” “I know you don’t wanna tell me your big secret, but I know you know who “Bill” was, and where he was from, and lots of things that mighta helped me take care of this before people got hurt. And you kept it all to yourself. So Arbutus is laying in the hospital all broken up, and Lois is dead. All because your secret is more important than anything else.” I got up. I didn’t stay to see how she was gonna take that. Went downstairs and poured myself a Scotch. Sat out on the porch and drank it. I had time to pour myself another one, and drink it, before she came out after me. I guess I’m a pretty soft touch……I told her I forgave her before the sun came up. ‘Course I let her persuade me some first. I figured I made my point; might as well let it go. So, on the grass, under the slim light of the new moon……I let it go.
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